I Feel Fine

Hello all! Welcome to my thoughts. Maybe they’re interesting, maybe they’re not. But mostly, they are for me. Throughout my 20s I blogged about my weight loss journey. It wasn’t really for other people but more to get my thoughts off of my chest! It was successful, I got to a point where I was happy. And I stopped blogging. Since then, I haven’t been JUST happy… I have been over the moon happy with my life. I met the love of my life, started classroom teaching again, got married, directed youth shows, had a kid… all the best things in life. I haven’t felt like there was much I needed to get off my chest in the form of writing. And then Covid came.

And now we are… in this bizarre, horror movie situation, and I suddenly I can’t help but feel like I want to… no, need to start writing again. Again, if for no one else, for myself. I feel like more than I have ever before, I sit alone with my thoughts and they begin to consume me. So, I need to write and process.

I sometimes wonder if I am being punked, or think that if I pinch myself hard enough that I will wake up, or that if I run fast enough I will reach the end of the world like Jim Carrey does in The Truman Show. Like somehow this is all a dream. But then I realize that I am still stuck inside my house, I am still washing my groceries, I haven’t seen my friends in over a month, and this is no work of fiction… this is real life. I am sure many of you have similar thoughts. How can you not?

And, I don’t know about you, but every day is a little bit different on the emotional roller coaster that is Covid19 life.

Right at the very moment, I feel fine. The sun is shining. I got to see some of my students on a call today. I have coffee in my mug. And everyone I know is safe and alive. Yuck, I feel sick even typing that. And I know it’s a privilege to feel that way. But more on that later.

Back to this moment… Right at this moment, I feel fine. But that can truthfully change from minute-to-minute. And I don’t know how long this feeling of “fine” will last. I keep coming back to this idea that I am a surfer. One minute I am happy and smiling and laughing, on the top of the wave… Feeling free and light… And then without any warning, the weight of the world comes crashing down and suddenly I am in the depths of despair. And often that crash comes in conjunction with a news story or a NYTimes notification on my phone or more recently, a social media post that someone I know is sick or has a loved one that is sick. And then without any warning, I am pulled down, down, down… and I feel like I am drowning. And I can’t breathe. And it’s all too much. And I can’t tell up from down… and all I can do is think about one positive thing at a time to help me claw my way back up to the surface again.

We are healthy in our house. (deep breath)
Thus far, most everyone I know is healthy and safe. (deep breath)
Aria is getting bigger every day and her smile lights up the room. (deep breath)
My mom didn’t end up flying home and she is here safe. (deep breath)
I am connecting with people in a way that I haven’t in years. (deep breath)
I am being forced to slow down, enjoy the little things, and learn how to “cook”. (deep breath)
We still have our jobs. (deep breath)

And then I start to bob my way back to being able to breathe. And then I am again in the feeling of “fine”... And I can stay in that moment of feeling “fine”.

And that’s where I am starting this blogging journey. I hope you find it helpful. And if not, I’m not offended… But I’ll be here if you need a reprieve from the news.